My heart is not fond of absence

I have not written on here in several months. However, I have been journaling almost every day since then. I found that it was easier to keep the hand written journal in a bag or on my dresser, and it forced me to write more. Plus it was new and pretty, which I love :)

I feel like a lot has changed since I last updated, but it could all be summed up in a few sentences really, which leads me to believe that it really wasn't a lot at all. As far as relationships go, I am ever single, and really coming to terms with this. I have been doing a lot of work on myself, mostly internally, but have also tried to focus a lot of energy on eating and exercise as well. I follow an online vlog about body image, and watching those daily videos has helped me to accept myself more than I have in the past. I have actually posted videos to their site as well, and become involved in that community of girls. I'm not sure if it's something that I really want to commit to completely, but for now, I'm really loving these beautiful and wonderful people. I actually posted a video the other day where I revealed my stomach to the masses. I have long since hated my stomach. Honestly, I hate almost every inch of my body, but it's my stomach that haunts me the most. I cannot be comfortable in my own skin at this weight, and I feel consumed every single second with anger at myself for how I've become this overweight. I think it's going to take a lot of work to teach myself how to love not only who I am, but what I look like. I think over the years, I've gotten a lot better at accepting who I am, as it is what I fell back on when I wasn't loving what I looked like. But it's time to be the beautiful person I know I am on the inside, on the outside too. I always felt like I shouldn't be allowed to feel beautiful. That loving the way I looked made me conceited. My family and a lot of my friends/peers, would shun me when I appreciated my physical appearance. I'm in no way saying that I was every full of myself, or that I should feel like I'm better than anyone else. But I think it is about damn time that I can love all the curves of my body. I was born beautiful, really, and I deserve to say that out loud without feeling a million eyes scrutinizing me.

In saying that I want to love the way I look and appreciate my physical beauty, I don't mean that this is all that I am, or that woman are only their appearance. It's difficult to explain the values I have, if you didn't know how I was raised. I was told every day of my life by strangers that I was beautiful, but then my own family never let me believe this. I grew to hate this about myself, and didn't trust people when they said this to me. I rejected being beautiful, and decided that my focus should be on who I was inside and that eventually a man would need to love me regardless of my appearance. But after years and years of rejecting my physical appearance, I feel it's time to embrace it. It's my right to love myself. I am a deserving and amazing being, just as any one else is. My eyes are my own for a reason, and I want to admit that I love them. I want to stand confidently in a room full of other women, and know that I am exactly as I need to be.

I guess what I'm saying, is that having a beautiful face, always felt like a curse to me. When you're a person with a normal looking face, you don't have to believe that people only want you for what you are and not who you are. I have never been able to trust that the men I've loved, loved me for the right reason. As I'm reading this, I feel like I sound awful, but I don't know how to explain this any other way. It's not as though I am a specimen of ideal beauty, because that is far from the truth. I have thousands of acne scars, stretch marks, moles, veins, wrinkles and unwanted hair all over my body. My skin sags and my thighs have touched my entire life. But I am beautiful. I am me, and I want to love myself. I want to stare deeply into my own eyes and not look away. I believe that until I can conquer this, it is not yet the time to find someone.

It's so frustrating, because as the months go by, I get lonelier, and desire human contact more and more. But I'm strong, and I this focus on myself is much needed. I know how I avoid responsibility, and back away when it gets too hard. I REFUSE to do that this time. I am wasting my most precious life. And no more long absences between blogs either. I shall write both here and in my journal, as it calms me and focuses my efforts.

Suppressed Memories

I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly trying to figure out how to accept and love myself, truly. I feel in order to do this, I need to go back to my childhood and live through some of those things I've chosen to hide from. No matter what it was, I used food to not feel it. When I was little, I was always left alone, taking care of my sister, or at my grandmothers house sitting on her couch watching jeopardy. I used food as a way to cure boredom, and my family used it as a way to say I love you. When my dad came home drunk late at night, after leaving us at my crazy grandmothers all night, he would get us a pizza. To me, food became love. It was the only thing I had to take me away from how sad and lonely my life was. I spent years sitting on my grandmothers couch for hours after school, not allowed to leave the house and because she was a hoarder, there was no space for us to play. When I was about 12 and my parents divorced, my mom felt I was old enough to watch my sister, so I now became caregiver. I had to cook the meals, and while my mom did the best she could, it was always something frozen or out of a can. I never learned about nutrition, or health and because we were alone, I wasn't allowed to leave the house, so there was little time to get exercise.

My sister and I were always alone. But instead of supporting each other, we grew to hate each other. I guess that's what happens when you're both so angry with your life, and you know there's nothing you can do about it, you start to reject the only person you have. I grew heavier and heavier, and was tormented at school. Of course I became the chubby girl, but that was only the start. We were extremely poor, and I had very few clothes to wear, almost all of them used. We didn't have a shower, and no one was ever home to encourage me to take a bath. So I also became the smelly kid. I very rarely got to play with other kids my age, so I became extremely introverted. I tried to skip school so I wouldn't be tormented and when I was there, no one even knew who I was. I can't remember the exact age that I knew I wanted to kill myself, probably because it's been something I've felt all my life. I know people say that children have a great sense of innocence, but I honestly can't remember a time I felt that. I knew we were poor, I knew I was fat, I knew that the other children didn't like me, and I knew my father was an alcoholic. I saw no way out of the pathetic life I was born into.

Eventually my mother remarried when I was 15, and we were able to afford things for the first time in my life. I had new clothes and made a friend who was different from the few friends I had before. She was extremely concerned with her appearance, and I started to be consumed with mine as well. It was at this age that I first started to restrict what I was eating. By the time I was 16, I was starving myself. I spent every day of my life obsessing about my appearance. So now, instead of eating to avoid my sadness, I was not eating. It was the only thing in my life that I had control over, and it made me feel powerful. My eating disorder gave me a purpose. I lived for becoming thinner and proving to my family and the kids at school that I existed.

When I look back on the pictures from this time, I see a beautifully thin girl who is covered in sadness. I was only living to be thin, and that was barely sustaining me. My home life continued to be full of pain and criticism. My step father was loud and did not understand me. He was constantly putting me down and arguing me right out of my confidence. And to make it worse, I was now blessed with two step brothers, both of which lived to torment me. I was made fun of, and called fat dozen of times each day. My younger step brother hated me because I was someone he wanted before our parents got married and now had to call me his sister. He tortured me both mentally and physically. He grabbed at my clothes when I passed him, gave me wedges to the point of pain, and if I stood up to him, he was known to punch the wind out of me. There were various times throughout my years living in their home, that the police were called because my step brother had tried to hurt me.

I try not to hate my mother for this, but I do. I hate her for being so weak and claiming she was strong. She will tell me she did all she could to survive. She let me live in hell, and she continues to lack ownership. I love my mother and I understand her weaknesses, but she let me die in those years I spent in that home. Coming back to that home she still shares with my step father, is a reminder of the 6 years of my life that I lived a life of daily depression.

Today, I live trying to escape the first 21 years of my life that I lived with her. Those years where I felt I had no control over my decisions. The years I spent every day of my life wishing I could die. I need to accept that pain, and believe that it occurred to allow me the understanding of human behavior and to show me that I can survive. It is so difficult for me to love myself, because everyone in my life up to this point has always left me in some way. While my mother has always been present, she has never supported me or trusted me to make the right decisions. I fear everything. I fear my failures, and have continued to live a life that I never wanted. Food has been my best friend. I am ready to be my best friend, and let food be what sustains me, in the most healthy of ways. I want to be conscious of why I choose what I eat, and why I continue to punish myself for mistakes that weren't mine. My most amazing accomplishment in life will be to love myself. To see myself the way I am, and believe, TRULY, that this is who I was meant to be. That through all the pain and rejection, there is someone worth living for.

Attention Whore

Recently I put a post on Craigslist, describing what I was looking for in the perfect guy. I guess I wasn't exactly looking for a date, I just wanted some amazing men to come my way, and restore my faith that there are incredible men who are not consumed with superficial means. And the result was overwhelming. I got probably 30 responses, and 20-25 of those were great. They were educated, sweet, handsome and interesting men. I talked to most of them, and it was such an uplifting experience. I still am emailing a bunch of them, and who knows, might meet them if I'm feeling up to it. I am just shocked to see what could come of my city. So thank you to all the guys that read my post and responded. I listed the actual post below, because I liked it, and wanted to keep it just in case :)


So here it is. I am seeking something different. I'm looking for the guy that can't seem to fit himself inside the lines. He's someone who loves art and music, and sees the world with eyes open. He has a kind heart and understands himself. He's motivated and spontaneous. He isn't consumed with material gain, but also knows the importance of financial security. He's educated, and inspired by the beauty in the world. He knows that true intimacy can exist while fully clothed. He's not the guy obsessed with his appearance or in front of the TV watching sports. He doesn't spend all his time in front of the computer, or playing video games. He is the guy who sits on his couch reading a book while listening to the rain fall outside his window and thinks about the song in his head.

I know I'm asking for something most people never find, which is why I'm asking here. If you know the reference I'm making in the posting title, you're already on your way to opening the right door. Who knows we might just become great friends. Or maybe, just maybe...something more.

Soulmates?

If I have a soulmate, this is who he'd be. It might seem silly, but I want a guy who loves cats, enjoys drinking tea, and wants nothing more than to hold my hand. It's the little things, like understanding that I hate to be the center of attention, so he doesn't put me there, or just brushing my hair from my eyes in one confident stroke of his hand. I want him to wear cardigans, with ripped sneakers and dark rimmed glasses. Someone who thinks laying in bed while we each read our favorite book is an incredible way to end a saturday night. I want someone who isn't interested in sports and who would love to have coffee and talk about his favorite musicans/bands...because they'd be mine too. When I play him my favorite song, without asking, he will hang on every word, because he knows the importance of this song in my life. He will find songs that he thinks I will love, and WILL love them. I'll hold his hand, and a sense of calmness will come over me, and it'll bring me to tears. I will lay naked with him in broad day light and watch him as he notices every curve, every wrinkle, every imperfection and tells me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen because he means it. He won't get angry when I get anxious, but let me have my moment, and quietly love me through it. He will know that while I am emotional, my emotions are not a weakness, and he will honor them and never take advantage of them or criticize me for them. He won't hang our relationship over my head or threaten me with his love. His love for me will be unconditional. He will teach me about art, and science, help me to see the world through new eyes. I will feel challenged and respected each and every day we are together. He will be educated, and love learning as much as he loves life. He won't be consumed by financial gain, but he will know the importance of financial security. This soulmate of mine will hold me in the most gentle and secure way I'll ever know. He'll make love to me, not because I want us to be emotionally connected, but because it's impossible for him not to be connected to me. He will also know just how much authority to show when we're having sex so that it turns me on but does not scare me. He will sing to me as he plays the guitar, and be the first guy I've ever known to teach me how to play. He'll believe in my strength, and listen to every painful childhood memory without wanting to run. I will the greatest love of his life, and he will be mine.

Healthy Changes

So much has gone on since my last blog post and I'm angry with myself for not having posted anything. I had looked at the blog several times and tried to motivate myself, but felt overwhelmed in trying to write down all the insanity that was my life. I guess I'll break it up into topics.

Shortly after my last post, a friend of mine from high school was shot and killed. I hadn't been close to this person in about ten years, but I felt overwhelmed with loss. He was part of my former life, one that I haven't really been able to look at for years. I moved away from home and I guess tried to keep the people there in a separate place, as if their lives weren't going on without me. This friend, Alan, had gotten involved in drugs and alcohol, and had made a lot of mistakes since high school, and I was angry that his life was taken from him. He never had the opportunity to change things. I guess everyone can say that addicts aren't their behaviors, but he truly was a gifted, caring person, and I feel like his life amounted to very little. With his death, I find that I want change. I'm frustrated with myself for trying to block out my past. Because of his death, I reunited with my first boyfriend, someone that changed the course of my life at one time, and who I haven't talked to in many years. I don't know how life can get so consuming, but it terrifies me. I have tried so hard to hide from my childhood and my past, and I know it's only hurt me. Those people, while some of them making bad decisions, were a large part of my young adult life, and I need to acknowledge them. I need to accept that while I may not want that life for myself, now that I can choose my path, that life existed, and it's part of who I am.

In addition to this, Andrew who I thought was gone, resurfaced. And admitted that while he had feelings for me, he couldn't see himself being with me because of my weight. He said that he was attracted to me, and thought I was beautiful, but was too insecure to be with someone that looked like me. He even mentioned not being motivated enough to lose his own weight if he was with someone like me. I think the worst comment made during this discussion was when he said, "You know how when you're with someone and they start to lose weight, and you worry that you could lose them? Yeah, I would never worry about that with you." Initially, as we're laying in my bed and he's telling me all this, I begin to cry, but I'm not angry. I even cuddled with him for awhile after, and kissed him goodbye. It was such a strange experience because he was probably the sweetest he's ever been to me that night. After I spoked with my best friend Meg, she reminded me that this is abusive, and that I did not need to have someone in my life like that. I don't think I even got angry or upset because I'm so used to be talked to like that. It's disgusting to think that I accept people like that. So I gave it a second of thought, and then texted him and told him it was unhealthy for me to have him in my life and asked that he never contact me again. Well ofcourse, two weeks later on Halloween, he calls at 1:30 in the morning. When I text back, I find out it's him, and claims he misses me, and wishes we could be friends. And again, I contemplate this. Why do I do that? WHY do I think that someone like that is deserving of my friendship? My standards are so low that I'm desperate to hold on to people. Even people like Andrew, whose company I don't really enjoy. But it's finally over, I told him to get away from me, and he even said he was hurt with how mean I was to him.

That is just like an abuser, to make it about themselves, and not about what they've done to you. His words replay in my head every day. I've become terrified of opening myself up again. I feel unattractive and unloveable. All because of words he so carelessly let fill the air. It is going to take me years to get over those words, and I need to understand what it was about myself that allowed him into my life.

I have been trying to do more work on myself. I get distracted, or unmotivated, because I feel like I'm wasting my time. I can't even remember what I wanted to learn in the first place. But all I want to do is learn. I feel like I'm losing what was so important to me. I keep striving to better understand myself, to further my place in life, and to accept things that maybe I can't change. There are so many little things in my life that I have control over. I want to exercise that control. I want to find peace in who I am, enough that I can find the confidence to do things I love. I want my mothers voice to leave my head. She's there when I'm looking in the mirror, sometimes even when I'm trying to be comfortable alone with someone else. I hear her telling me to worry, that he doesn't love me enough, that he will leave. The rage that fills me scares me. I don't want to hate her, because I don't hate her. The reality is I need her acceptance more than any mans. I want to be enough, just for one day to believe that I am everything I was meant to be.

Life's Buttery Moments

I should have written throughout the course of the last week and a half, but I didn't, and of course now I don't remember all those moments that seemed so important. I guess maybe that's what I should take from this, is that they seemed life changing while they were happening, and now only a week later and they really aren't that important.

My ex and I tried to communicate a few times the last week or so, about trying to see each other before he moves. And now he is saying he doesn't want to be my friend on facebook because it makes things to difficult for him. So I made the decision to let him go completely, and I need to stand by this decision, regardless of what weakness may fill me. Let him make mistakes and love someone else, even if I can't understand it. I am thankful that he didn't love me enough. I will allow myself to love me.

Here is a moment that I remember from last week. Wednesday afternoon I had to take my car to get inspected, and I didn't want to sit in the mechanics while it was worked on. So I walked through my old neighborhood and found myself in the small park where there was a playground for children, and I sat for awhile and read my book. A women came with her three boys and they stared at me and made comments, but I continued to sit and read. I allowed myself to be completely alone in that moment, and while I only stayed a half an hour, I was very proud of myself. It felt amazing to give myself time. I need to continue to practice this in other ways. I was thinking about taking myself to the movies. Probably a Sunday Matinée to start, but I think I could handle it. I should start my day and do something for myself, again :)

Why I feel the things I do

My urge for running is very strong right now. I feel overwhelmed with thoughts of packing up my things and going anywhere else, just away from my life. I know this won't change the way I feel or hide some of the things that I have been trying to avoid my entire life. But it feels like a temporary change may make things better. I can't stand the awful monotony of my life anymore. I sometimes think that I was happier in the pieces of my former life.

I realize that I blog now, and I journal, but I don't actually write. I used to write poems and shorts, and I miss this soo much. Why am I not doing this? What has happened to the person that I thought I was and wanted to be. I'm only 26 and I feel like I've lost direction. Why should 26 feel so old? I want to love the direction that my life is taking me. I need to stop hoping for change and feeling that change is necessary and just loving the moments that I find myself in. I am capable of making the right choices. I am more than capable of the things that I want, but I continue to back myself into corners or try and convince myself of my inadequecies. It's as if I want myself to be miserable, so I feel like I'm deserving of the horrible life that I've got myself stuck in.

I guess I don't really know what makes someone's life good or bad. I think a lot of people gravitate toward the traditional answers of family and friends, having people around you that love you and a general purpose for being. I have friends, quite a few that I care about, but I haven't had any in a long time that I really felt connected with. I haven't had that feeling since college. And I'm not close with my family. I have my sister and sometimes my mother to find support from, but they don't understand me, and honestly, haven't really tried. I've been circling around my whole life trying to find someone to fill this huge emptiness. As if the moment I found true love, all of the loathing and self hatred would fall away. But what is a life really without people who love us?
I'm confident there are people that love me, and this should be enough. I think having interests and pursuing them, make a person happy. I have so many interests, I can only scratch at the surface of them or I become overwhelmed with all that I want to do. I also find it fascinating how much I adore travel and discovering new places, and how I have never really done any of my own travel. I would give absolutely anything to explore the world. And this comes back the beginning, where I complained about not writing, not challenging myself and my interests.

I am hopefull that I can make a change soon, and will take a small step to get back into school and open my mind to education again, and the possibilities that it will give me. I need to believe that I got my degree in psychology for a reason, and that that choice has shaped who I am now, and the life that I would like to have. I know that I can't continue to work where I work and still remain relatively healthy mentally. I hope that after the next two weeks in which I will have to live off of less than $200, I can find the money to apply for the graduate program at Buff State. I'm confident I will get accepted, and then I will start looking for jobs and apartments. I'm excited for the prosect of that kind of change, and I honeslty don't feel like I'm running away, but more in a direction to better myself and my situation. I hope that after a few years in Buffalo, I will be ready to make an even bigger change and move to Boston or NYC. It's difficult to want so many things and not be able to support myself financially enough to acheive them.

So I have to stick it out at my job for another seven or eight months. This seems like it's forever, and believe me, it probably is. I don't know if I can afford to move unless I get another second job to help save some money. I'm going to have to start seriously looking for other jobs. I feel too old to have a second job, but I know with the economy the way it is, most people have two and three jobs. Do you ever feel like this life isn't real? That you could move somewhere that you weren't reminded of the financial concerns of the country, or the state of war that we are in? That there is a private island somewhere that people go to, that doesn't have the confines of a government. So much of the time I feel like the thoughts I have, don't have a place in the world I live in. Sometimes I think it's possible that maybe another country would better suit my personality.

I'm going to hold out over the next few months, hating my job, and hopefully finding another one part time, that I might actually like? And then I will move and start this ball rolling...(God I don't want to go to work in 2 hours)