I have not written on here in several months. However, I have been journaling almost every day since then. I found that it was easier to keep the hand written journal in a bag or on my dresser, and it forced me to write more. Plus it was new and pretty, which I love :)
I feel like a lot has changed since I last updated, but it could all be summed up in a few sentences really, which leads me to believe that it really wasn't a lot at all. As far as relationships go, I am ever single, and really coming to terms with this. I have been doing a lot of work on myself, mostly internally, but have also tried to focus a lot of energy on eating and exercise as well. I follow an online vlog about body image, and watching those daily videos has helped me to accept myself more than I have in the past. I have actually posted videos to their site as well, and become involved in that community of girls. I'm not sure if it's something that I really want to commit to completely, but for now, I'm really loving these beautiful and wonderful people. I actually posted a video the other day where I revealed my stomach to the masses. I have long since hated my stomach. Honestly, I hate almost every inch of my body, but it's my stomach that haunts me the most. I cannot be comfortable in my own skin at this weight, and I feel consumed every single second with anger at myself for how I've become this overweight. I think it's going to take a lot of work to teach myself how to love not only who I am, but what I look like. I think over the years, I've gotten a lot better at accepting who I am, as it is what I fell back on when I wasn't loving what I looked like. But it's time to be the beautiful person I know I am on the inside, on the outside too. I always felt like I shouldn't be allowed to feel beautiful. That loving the way I looked made me conceited. My family and a lot of my friends/peers, would shun me when I appreciated my physical appearance. I'm in no way saying that I was every full of myself, or that I should feel like I'm better than anyone else. But I think it is about damn time that I can love all the curves of my body. I was born beautiful, really, and I deserve to say that out loud without feeling a million eyes scrutinizing me.
In saying that I want to love the way I look and appreciate my physical beauty, I don't mean that this is all that I am, or that woman are only their appearance. It's difficult to explain the values I have, if you didn't know how I was raised. I was told every day of my life by strangers that I was beautiful, but then my own family never let me believe this. I grew to hate this about myself, and didn't trust people when they said this to me. I rejected being beautiful, and decided that my focus should be on who I was inside and that eventually a man would need to love me regardless of my appearance. But after years and years of rejecting my physical appearance, I feel it's time to embrace it. It's my right to love myself. I am a deserving and amazing being, just as any one else is. My eyes are my own for a reason, and I want to admit that I love them. I want to stand confidently in a room full of other women, and know that I am exactly as I need to be.
I guess what I'm saying, is that having a beautiful face, always felt like a curse to me. When you're a person with a normal looking face, you don't have to believe that people only want you for what you are and not who you are. I have never been able to trust that the men I've loved, loved me for the right reason. As I'm reading this, I feel like I sound awful, but I don't know how to explain this any other way. It's not as though I am a specimen of ideal beauty, because that is far from the truth. I have thousands of acne scars, stretch marks, moles, veins, wrinkles and unwanted hair all over my body. My skin sags and my thighs have touched my entire life. But I am beautiful. I am me, and I want to love myself. I want to stare deeply into my own eyes and not look away. I believe that until I can conquer this, it is not yet the time to find someone.
It's so frustrating, because as the months go by, I get lonelier, and desire human contact more and more. But I'm strong, and I this focus on myself is much needed. I know how I avoid responsibility, and back away when it gets too hard. I REFUSE to do that this time. I am wasting my most precious life. And no more long absences between blogs either. I shall write both here and in my journal, as it calms me and focuses my efforts.
