Why I feel the things I do

My urge for running is very strong right now. I feel overwhelmed with thoughts of packing up my things and going anywhere else, just away from my life. I know this won't change the way I feel or hide some of the things that I have been trying to avoid my entire life. But it feels like a temporary change may make things better. I can't stand the awful monotony of my life anymore. I sometimes think that I was happier in the pieces of my former life.

I realize that I blog now, and I journal, but I don't actually write. I used to write poems and shorts, and I miss this soo much. Why am I not doing this? What has happened to the person that I thought I was and wanted to be. I'm only 26 and I feel like I've lost direction. Why should 26 feel so old? I want to love the direction that my life is taking me. I need to stop hoping for change and feeling that change is necessary and just loving the moments that I find myself in. I am capable of making the right choices. I am more than capable of the things that I want, but I continue to back myself into corners or try and convince myself of my inadequecies. It's as if I want myself to be miserable, so I feel like I'm deserving of the horrible life that I've got myself stuck in.

I guess I don't really know what makes someone's life good or bad. I think a lot of people gravitate toward the traditional answers of family and friends, having people around you that love you and a general purpose for being. I have friends, quite a few that I care about, but I haven't had any in a long time that I really felt connected with. I haven't had that feeling since college. And I'm not close with my family. I have my sister and sometimes my mother to find support from, but they don't understand me, and honestly, haven't really tried. I've been circling around my whole life trying to find someone to fill this huge emptiness. As if the moment I found true love, all of the loathing and self hatred would fall away. But what is a life really without people who love us?
I'm confident there are people that love me, and this should be enough. I think having interests and pursuing them, make a person happy. I have so many interests, I can only scratch at the surface of them or I become overwhelmed with all that I want to do. I also find it fascinating how much I adore travel and discovering new places, and how I have never really done any of my own travel. I would give absolutely anything to explore the world. And this comes back the beginning, where I complained about not writing, not challenging myself and my interests.

I am hopefull that I can make a change soon, and will take a small step to get back into school and open my mind to education again, and the possibilities that it will give me. I need to believe that I got my degree in psychology for a reason, and that that choice has shaped who I am now, and the life that I would like to have. I know that I can't continue to work where I work and still remain relatively healthy mentally. I hope that after the next two weeks in which I will have to live off of less than $200, I can find the money to apply for the graduate program at Buff State. I'm confident I will get accepted, and then I will start looking for jobs and apartments. I'm excited for the prosect of that kind of change, and I honeslty don't feel like I'm running away, but more in a direction to better myself and my situation. I hope that after a few years in Buffalo, I will be ready to make an even bigger change and move to Boston or NYC. It's difficult to want so many things and not be able to support myself financially enough to acheive them.

So I have to stick it out at my job for another seven or eight months. This seems like it's forever, and believe me, it probably is. I don't know if I can afford to move unless I get another second job to help save some money. I'm going to have to start seriously looking for other jobs. I feel too old to have a second job, but I know with the economy the way it is, most people have two and three jobs. Do you ever feel like this life isn't real? That you could move somewhere that you weren't reminded of the financial concerns of the country, or the state of war that we are in? That there is a private island somewhere that people go to, that doesn't have the confines of a government. So much of the time I feel like the thoughts I have, don't have a place in the world I live in. Sometimes I think it's possible that maybe another country would better suit my personality.

I'm going to hold out over the next few months, hating my job, and hopefully finding another one part time, that I might actually like? And then I will move and start this ball rolling...(God I don't want to go to work in 2 hours)

I finally get it right

Last night I went to dinner with three ladies. It was interesting because the four of us are all very different and in different places in our lives, and yet the entire dinner conversation focused around our failed romantic relationships.

Three of the four of us are dating one specific person, but casually, and not feeling fufilled emotionally. The other girl, who was someone I had just met that night, just got out of an 8 year relationship about a month ago, where she was engaged for 3 of those years. She told us that she has only heard negative things from her friends and is absolutely terrified of putting herself out there again. I tried to calm her fears, but I think I failed :/

While we were eating dinner, I got a text from the guy that I've been sorta seeing for the past three months. I decided to go over to his house and it was both a sad and necessary experience. It's very strange because we find each other attractive and we have a great sexual/physical chemistry, but emotionally...I feel nothing. Most of the time, I don't even enjoy spending time with him, because I'm so frustrated with the fact that we can't make something between us work. He expressed the same feelings for me. Saying that there were so many things about me that he loved, but about the same number of things that he didn't. He told me he's never felt attraction to someone like he has for me, and that it's so strong he is afraid of it.

He has been saying this in one form or another for almost the entire time we've been seeing each other. Initially, I felt rejected and wanted to be whatever it was that he wanted, because this is what I've done in the past. In the last month or so, I really took a look at my feelings for him, and realized, that there honestly were any. He's a nice guy, very attractive, intelligent, has a stable job, but those things aren't what makes you fall in love with someone. He has almost none of the qualities I look for. He even told me that I never talk about my interests with him or share who I am. I realized that this was extremely odd because with everyone else in my life I'm an open book.

We were laying in his bed, and initially we went in the physical direction, but I quickly stopped things, explaining to him that while sex with him is amazing, it also leaves me feeling sad. Everytime we have had sex, I realize about 2/3 of the way through it, that I don't care about him, and that he doesn't care about me, and this leaves me feeling empty and angry with myself. I told him that I wasn't willing to feel that way again. He agreed that he has a similar reaction to being with me.

It was a very strange ending to the night, him saying he didn't want to lay in bed anymore and me saying that's what I wanted. It was kinda like both of us telling the other, This is who I am, and realizing that those two people are in two very different places. He offered to walk me downstairs, and I told him he didn't have to like every other time, only this time, for the first time, he actually didn't walk me downstairs.

I will probably never see Andrew again.

Gonna find my way

I am feeling very drained, considering that I have a cold. This feeling has kept me distracted from progressing forward like I have planned. I decided to take Saturday off from work, even though I'm extremly behind in my work and already took two Saturdays off this month. (Wow, as I was typing this, the neighbor walked down the hall and it appeared as if he knocked on my door) I honestly don't know if I enjoy living in this neighborhood :( I miss my old apartment and my private porch entrance.

I did something amazing yesterday. I had found this heart shaped rock when walking with my mom over the weekend and had brought it back with me to the city. I painted it last night and then felt inspired to work on a painting that I've wanted to do for months. I think I like where it's going, but I feel like there is a lot more layers I'd like to add. I got lost in this for a few hours last night, and really remember why I love art so much. I miss letting myself go that way. I love it so much and I never do it. I'm really greatful to have done that for myself and I know I will be doing it more often from this point on.

Uh, this sick feeling is so depressing for me. I hate the way that can make me forget all the important things.I'm just exhausted and it's making me feel tired in other ways too.

I'm leaving it here because I got distracted and now I'm exhausted.

And so here you are

Last night I had a million thoughts running through my head that I wanted to document on this blog. But as luck would have it, I was at work, and I cannot log onto my blog there :/ And of course, not really sure what all those thoughts were today.

I guess I can start with my weekend and all the moments that felt life changing, that in the future I may not remember as vividly as I do now. I had an incredible time on Friday night just going out and being able to drink and let go of myself for a night. I haven't really done that in a couple years, and I was glad that for that moment, and would like more of those.

There was also the death of one of my clients. I feel very strange about this, because she was someone I saw every day of my life for the last two years, and I hardly knew her. Her life was very insignificant to me, and my heart is unsure. I remember initially feeling a great deal of shock, because it was never something I thought would happen, and it still doesn't really seem true. I think the realness of it is what is hitting me the most. That I have told myself for years that tomorrow I would attempt to achieve all the things on my list, but what if I run out of time? I'm always putting things off, and I am sure that my client felt she had more time too. I don't know if I can really define this in any better way, but if there was a higher being or a greater purpose, I hope that it understands that I really do want to achieve these things, and I am in no way ready to leave, despite what I may say on some of my bad days. I have to continue to remind myself that I have value as a person and that just being alive is a privilege, not a right.

I also had a very long and meaningful conversation with one of my family members, who I hope never finds this blog. I have always, in almost every form, disliked the majority of the members of my family. I grew up believing that I was the one that didn't fit, and that they were doing things the right way, as I continued to do them wrong. As I get older, and after having this conversation with my Cousin, I realize now that this is not the case. How can people who are your blood, judge you so harshly? And the most frustrating part is that they feel they are entitled. It is because of them that I criticize everyone I come in contact with, and why just being myself has never been enough. It is such a complete contradiction of personalities I encounter in my family. They are some of the most amazingly sweet and caring women I know, and yet they can cut a person down in seconds with their words. I tell myself that if I confront them enough, that the words that mean so much to me, will mean so much to them. But I have exhausted myself for years expressing myself. Asking them to accept me and love me. They claim to love me, but they ridicule me. And not just me, but each other.

I believe maybe it's the size of my family and the smallness of the area in which we were all raised, that continues to promote this behavior. For years and years I believed that it is okay for all members of my family to know what I am doing in my life at any given time, as if it is their right to judge the decisions I make. I have absolutely had enough of this. I have never learned to trust myself, because I have always feared the multitude of their opinions. I have told myself that because they all feel this way, that I am wrong and they are right. I am NOT wrong. And I will not listen to a word they say any longer. I have tried desperately to distance myself from them over the years, for which they have continued to give me criticism. They claim to want me to be happy. Well when I am in close proximity to them, I lose myself and begin to get lost in their negativity.

I want to tell you that I love them all, and can accept them and meet them where they are at. This is not true. I am in a very difficult stage in my life, where I honestly have no attachment to a single one of my family members, except my sister. I know that it will sound like I am being too harsh and not understanding that human behavior isn't a fixed thing. I have been understanding my 26 years and I understand now what damage that has done to my well being. I feel at this point, there is not much more I can do in this place, and I need to move forward while leaving them behind.

I deserve to feel accepted and loved by my family members. This will never be my reality. I will never have a grandmother who hangs on the words I say, or eagerly awaits my arrival at a family function. I won't have a mother who respects my boundaries and trusts my abilities to make decisions. I won't have a father who I turn to for support and guidance, who is the foundation of my self respect. I do not and will not have these things. And I must understand this and move forward.

This is an essential piece of the puzzle that is learning to be alone with myself. I will discover what makes me incredible. I will identify what makes me weak, and I will teach myself how to conquer these behaviors that were instilled in me by my family for the last 26 years. I can't even begin to comprehend how difficult this life is going to be...

How to Be Alone

This blog is the first I'll write in my quest to become comfortable in being alone with myself. I put so much emphasis on avoiding my alone time. I hide in the company of others, and most of the time it's spent with people I really don't feel I make a connection with. I have guilt when I'm alone, blaming myself for the lack of phone calls or people's interest.

I'd like to begin with the understanding that if I never change a single thing about myself or my life, that I am complete and enough this way. I really, desperately want to believe that. I want to know that I deserve happiness in my life. That just the fact that I made it to this place is enough.

I feel like I'm utterly terrified of being alone with myself. I mean really alone. No internet, no TV, no distractions of my cell phone. To just sit and give myself something that I really want. To take moments for myself. To believe that I deserve to enjoy my life. I keep on punishing myself, every day, for the past, for today, for tomorrow. This endless cycle of failure and relentless rejection is exhausting. Just thinking about this give me extreme anxiety, that I will never find a way out of this mess. Out of this house of cards I've built over top of me.

I would love to come to terms with the fact that I will never be model worthy. I have been fat, and my body is that of a fat girl. I have stretch marks. Deep, thick lines that cut into my skin and are a testimant to where I've been and what I've been through. I have hundreds of self induced scars. My legs are covered in spider veins. I have acne. My hair gets gray. My hair grows in places it shouldn't. I bit my nails and I crack my knuckles. My boobs have since fallen from their once perky place. But this is the body I have, and if I lose weight...all of these things will never be better than they are today.

Here is the point to all of this. I would like to learn to love myself enough to be alone with myself. To understand that being alone does not have to be lonely and that there is freedom in my choice to discover myself. This is going to be hard. I will have to push myself out of my negative mindset every day. But if I don't do this, if I don't find my way out of the darkness, what else is there really?

I am currently reading, "Women, Food and God" and I will reread as many times as it takes. I will also continue to watch the short "How to Be Alone" and continue to push myself through the suggestions of alone activities. I have also began watching daily blogs from "ProjectLifeSize" on Youtube. Those ladies are incredible motivation and examples of strength and honest courage. This process will take me the rest of my life. But my hope is that it will give me my life back.