You are what you love, not what loves you.

Well yesterday, I did it. I ended our relationship. I never thought it would really happen, and yet the entire time knew it had to. I love him, that's the hardest part. Why is it possible to love someone that much, but that love doesn't translate into something long lasting. I know I could blame it all on Florida, but he's right that it wouldn't have worked in the long run. I've never felt so comfortable with someone, and I feel like I've found my best friend. I'm going to long for his arms, and I hate that. I hate that I'm crying as I write this, despite how strong I told myself I would be. I know it's right, but it doesn't feel good. I am proud of myself for being able to do it, I didn't think I could.

I took that photo just after the words were said. He was sitting at my computer, and my mind was racing. The rain suddenly started, and I had this horrible need to freeze how I felt. And that was it. I looked out my kitchen window, and saw how the street light reflected in the pavement. And I realized, that this rain was how I was feeling, and the light was so beautiful. The thought of letting go of something/someone I love so much, but thinking about finding someone/something that I could love even more than this, gave me hope.

You think there really will be someone that loves you, so completely? That you will find something you are entirely passionate about. I keep waiting for what I hope will be the start of my life and I'm growing impatient. He's out there, and that gives me a small gleem of hope. I'm handling this well, I think.

So it has begun...

So, I have begun a blog. You're shocked, as am I. I say you, as if I think someone will actually read this silly thing, but in the likelihood that it actually does get read, here it all is.

I have spent many years journaling and sketching down random thoughts from time to time, and doodling or taking photographs of things I wanted to remember. I find that it is difficult for me to bring out the pen and paper the last few months (this is probably only a sign of my increasing laziness) but none the less, I will write what I know, or what I think I know, here for myself, and for those that want to listen.

I am actually rather shocked at how intimidating I'm finding this whole process. Hm...I find myself clever, but I've got nothing of importance to say. Oh, here's something...I promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I know that we all have stories about things that we think matter, but maybe they only matter to us. I hope that this will at least matter to one other person. I'm under the belief that most people will not be reading this, and it will be that belief that allows me to be completely honest. I promise, all honesty.

Today was such a trying and nail biting day for me, and in the end, I don't feel accomplished, or like it was at all worth the frustration. I woke up feeling unattractive, not that I ever wake up and feel attractive per say, but it was definitely one of those, "You aren't cute enough to be here" days. And it just spiraled down from there. Why do I have to be so insecure about everything all the time. I found that just standing in the doctors office waiting for the nurse to bring me the copy of my PPD results, I was fidgeting and hoping that I didn't look too fat, even though NO ONE was around. I hate this about myself. If I never left the house, I probably wouldn't dislike the way I look so much. It's that damn comparison shit that really fucks with my head. I feel bad that I just swore, but I said honesty, and I honestly was swearing in my head, so there it is.

Do you think that people stare at you and wonder who you really are? Because I honestly stare at everyone and try to imagine a time in their life where I thought they were as close to perfect as they were ever going to get, and I sometimes hope that people put that much energy into looking at me.

I'm rambeling and none of it matters. I enjoy this keypad though. Thank you iMac for being the best peace (spelled that way on purpose) of technology I've ever owned. I'm going to finish distracting myself, before heading to bed, for what will undoubtedly be a horrible day at work.

Hopefully this project will be fufilling! YAY for me starting something new <3