So it has begun...

So, I have begun a blog. You're shocked, as am I. I say you, as if I think someone will actually read this silly thing, but in the likelihood that it actually does get read, here it all is.

I have spent many years journaling and sketching down random thoughts from time to time, and doodling or taking photographs of things I wanted to remember. I find that it is difficult for me to bring out the pen and paper the last few months (this is probably only a sign of my increasing laziness) but none the less, I will write what I know, or what I think I know, here for myself, and for those that want to listen.

I am actually rather shocked at how intimidating I'm finding this whole process. Hm...I find myself clever, but I've got nothing of importance to say. Oh, here's something...I promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I know that we all have stories about things that we think matter, but maybe they only matter to us. I hope that this will at least matter to one other person. I'm under the belief that most people will not be reading this, and it will be that belief that allows me to be completely honest. I promise, all honesty.

Today was such a trying and nail biting day for me, and in the end, I don't feel accomplished, or like it was at all worth the frustration. I woke up feeling unattractive, not that I ever wake up and feel attractive per say, but it was definitely one of those, "You aren't cute enough to be here" days. And it just spiraled down from there. Why do I have to be so insecure about everything all the time. I found that just standing in the doctors office waiting for the nurse to bring me the copy of my PPD results, I was fidgeting and hoping that I didn't look too fat, even though NO ONE was around. I hate this about myself. If I never left the house, I probably wouldn't dislike the way I look so much. It's that damn comparison shit that really fucks with my head. I feel bad that I just swore, but I said honesty, and I honestly was swearing in my head, so there it is.

Do you think that people stare at you and wonder who you really are? Because I honestly stare at everyone and try to imagine a time in their life where I thought they were as close to perfect as they were ever going to get, and I sometimes hope that people put that much energy into looking at me.

I'm rambeling and none of it matters. I enjoy this keypad though. Thank you iMac for being the best peace (spelled that way on purpose) of technology I've ever owned. I'm going to finish distracting myself, before heading to bed, for what will undoubtedly be a horrible day at work.

Hopefully this project will be fufilling! YAY for me starting something new <3