Healthy Changes

So much has gone on since my last blog post and I'm angry with myself for not having posted anything. I had looked at the blog several times and tried to motivate myself, but felt overwhelmed in trying to write down all the insanity that was my life. I guess I'll break it up into topics.

Shortly after my last post, a friend of mine from high school was shot and killed. I hadn't been close to this person in about ten years, but I felt overwhelmed with loss. He was part of my former life, one that I haven't really been able to look at for years. I moved away from home and I guess tried to keep the people there in a separate place, as if their lives weren't going on without me. This friend, Alan, had gotten involved in drugs and alcohol, and had made a lot of mistakes since high school, and I was angry that his life was taken from him. He never had the opportunity to change things. I guess everyone can say that addicts aren't their behaviors, but he truly was a gifted, caring person, and I feel like his life amounted to very little. With his death, I find that I want change. I'm frustrated with myself for trying to block out my past. Because of his death, I reunited with my first boyfriend, someone that changed the course of my life at one time, and who I haven't talked to in many years. I don't know how life can get so consuming, but it terrifies me. I have tried so hard to hide from my childhood and my past, and I know it's only hurt me. Those people, while some of them making bad decisions, were a large part of my young adult life, and I need to acknowledge them. I need to accept that while I may not want that life for myself, now that I can choose my path, that life existed, and it's part of who I am.

In addition to this, Andrew who I thought was gone, resurfaced. And admitted that while he had feelings for me, he couldn't see himself being with me because of my weight. He said that he was attracted to me, and thought I was beautiful, but was too insecure to be with someone that looked like me. He even mentioned not being motivated enough to lose his own weight if he was with someone like me. I think the worst comment made during this discussion was when he said, "You know how when you're with someone and they start to lose weight, and you worry that you could lose them? Yeah, I would never worry about that with you." Initially, as we're laying in my bed and he's telling me all this, I begin to cry, but I'm not angry. I even cuddled with him for awhile after, and kissed him goodbye. It was such a strange experience because he was probably the sweetest he's ever been to me that night. After I spoked with my best friend Meg, she reminded me that this is abusive, and that I did not need to have someone in my life like that. I don't think I even got angry or upset because I'm so used to be talked to like that. It's disgusting to think that I accept people like that. So I gave it a second of thought, and then texted him and told him it was unhealthy for me to have him in my life and asked that he never contact me again. Well ofcourse, two weeks later on Halloween, he calls at 1:30 in the morning. When I text back, I find out it's him, and claims he misses me, and wishes we could be friends. And again, I contemplate this. Why do I do that? WHY do I think that someone like that is deserving of my friendship? My standards are so low that I'm desperate to hold on to people. Even people like Andrew, whose company I don't really enjoy. But it's finally over, I told him to get away from me, and he even said he was hurt with how mean I was to him.

That is just like an abuser, to make it about themselves, and not about what they've done to you. His words replay in my head every day. I've become terrified of opening myself up again. I feel unattractive and unloveable. All because of words he so carelessly let fill the air. It is going to take me years to get over those words, and I need to understand what it was about myself that allowed him into my life.

I have been trying to do more work on myself. I get distracted, or unmotivated, because I feel like I'm wasting my time. I can't even remember what I wanted to learn in the first place. But all I want to do is learn. I feel like I'm losing what was so important to me. I keep striving to better understand myself, to further my place in life, and to accept things that maybe I can't change. There are so many little things in my life that I have control over. I want to exercise that control. I want to find peace in who I am, enough that I can find the confidence to do things I love. I want my mothers voice to leave my head. She's there when I'm looking in the mirror, sometimes even when I'm trying to be comfortable alone with someone else. I hear her telling me to worry, that he doesn't love me enough, that he will leave. The rage that fills me scares me. I don't want to hate her, because I don't hate her. The reality is I need her acceptance more than any mans. I want to be enough, just for one day to believe that I am everything I was meant to be.