Last night I had a million thoughts running through my head that I wanted to document on this blog. But as luck would have it, I was at work, and I cannot log onto my blog there :/ And of course, not really sure what all those thoughts were today.
I guess I can start with my weekend and all the moments that felt life changing, that in the future I may not remember as vividly as I do now. I had an incredible time on Friday night just going out and being able to drink and let go of myself for a night. I haven't really done that in a couple years, and I was glad that for that moment, and would like more of those.
There was also the death of one of my clients. I feel very strange about this, because she was someone I saw every day of my life for the last two years, and I hardly knew her. Her life was very insignificant to me, and my heart is unsure. I remember initially feeling a great deal of shock, because it was never something I thought would happen, and it still doesn't really seem true. I think the realness of it is what is hitting me the most. That I have told myself for years that tomorrow I would attempt to achieve all the things on my list, but what if I run out of time? I'm always putting things off, and I am sure that my client felt she had more time too. I don't know if I can really define this in any better way, but if there was a higher being or a greater purpose, I hope that it understands that I really do want to achieve these things, and I am in no way ready to leave, despite what I may say on some of my bad days. I have to continue to remind myself that I have value as a person and that just being alive is a privilege, not a right.
I also had a very long and meaningful conversation with one of my family members, who I hope never finds this blog. I have always, in almost every form, disliked the majority of the members of my family. I grew up believing that I was the one that didn't fit, and that they were doing things the right way, as I continued to do them wrong. As I get older, and after having this conversation with my Cousin, I realize now that this is not the case. How can people who are your blood, judge you so harshly? And the most frustrating part is that they feel they are entitled. It is because of them that I criticize everyone I come in contact with, and why just being myself has never been enough. It is such a complete contradiction of personalities I encounter in my family. They are some of the most amazingly sweet and caring women I know, and yet they can cut a person down in seconds with their words. I tell myself that if I confront them enough, that the words that mean so much to me, will mean so much to them. But I have exhausted myself for years expressing myself. Asking them to accept me and love me. They claim to love me, but they ridicule me. And not just me, but each other.
I believe maybe it's the size of my family and the smallness of the area in which we were all raised, that continues to promote this behavior. For years and years I believed that it is okay for all members of my family to know what I am doing in my life at any given time, as if it is their right to judge the decisions I make. I have absolutely had enough of this. I have never learned to trust myself, because I have always feared the multitude of their opinions. I have told myself that because they all feel this way, that I am wrong and they are right. I am NOT wrong. And I will not listen to a word they say any longer. I have tried desperately to distance myself from them over the years, for which they have continued to give me criticism. They claim to want me to be happy. Well when I am in close proximity to them, I lose myself and begin to get lost in their negativity.
I want to tell you that I love them all, and can accept them and meet them where they are at. This is not true. I am in a very difficult stage in my life, where I honestly have no attachment to a single one of my family members, except my sister. I know that it will sound like I am being too harsh and not understanding that human behavior isn't a fixed thing. I have been understanding my 26 years and I understand now what damage that has done to my well being. I feel at this point, there is not much more I can do in this place, and I need to move forward while leaving them behind.
I deserve to feel accepted and loved by my family members. This will never be my reality. I will never have a grandmother who hangs on the words I say, or eagerly awaits my arrival at a family function. I won't have a mother who respects my boundaries and trusts my abilities to make decisions. I won't have a father who I turn to for support and guidance, who is the foundation of my self respect. I do not and will not have these things. And I must understand this and move forward.
This is an essential piece of the puzzle that is learning to be alone with myself. I will discover what makes me incredible. I will identify what makes me weak, and I will teach myself how to conquer these behaviors that were instilled in me by my family for the last 26 years. I can't even begin to comprehend how difficult this life is going to be...
No comments:
Post a Comment