My urge for running is very strong right now. I feel overwhelmed with thoughts of packing up my things and going anywhere else, just away from my life. I know this won't change the way I feel or hide some of the things that I have been trying to avoid my entire life. But it feels like a temporary change may make things better. I can't stand the awful monotony of my life anymore. I sometimes think that I was happier in the pieces of my former life.
I realize that I blog now, and I journal, but I don't actually write. I used to write poems and shorts, and I miss this soo much. Why am I not doing this? What has happened to the person that I thought I was and wanted to be. I'm only 26 and I feel like I've lost direction. Why should 26 feel so old? I want to love the direction that my life is taking me. I need to stop hoping for change and feeling that change is necessary and just loving the moments that I find myself in. I am capable of making the right choices. I am more than capable of the things that I want, but I continue to back myself into corners or try and convince myself of my inadequecies. It's as if I want myself to be miserable, so I feel like I'm deserving of the horrible life that I've got myself stuck in.
I guess I don't really know what makes someone's life good or bad. I think a lot of people gravitate toward the traditional answers of family and friends, having people around you that love you and a general purpose for being. I have friends, quite a few that I care about, but I haven't had any in a long time that I really felt connected with. I haven't had that feeling since college. And I'm not close with my family. I have my sister and sometimes my mother to find support from, but they don't understand me, and honestly, haven't really tried. I've been circling around my whole life trying to find someone to fill this huge emptiness. As if the moment I found true love, all of the loathing and self hatred would fall away. But what is a life really without people who love us?
I'm confident there are people that love me, and this should be enough. I think having interests and pursuing them, make a person happy. I have so many interests, I can only scratch at the surface of them or I become overwhelmed with all that I want to do. I also find it fascinating how much I adore travel and discovering new places, and how I have never really done any of my own travel. I would give absolutely anything to explore the world. And this comes back the beginning, where I complained about not writing, not challenging myself and my interests.
I am hopefull that I can make a change soon, and will take a small step to get back into school and open my mind to education again, and the possibilities that it will give me. I need to believe that I got my degree in psychology for a reason, and that that choice has shaped who I am now, and the life that I would like to have. I know that I can't continue to work where I work and still remain relatively healthy mentally. I hope that after the next two weeks in which I will have to live off of less than $200, I can find the money to apply for the graduate program at Buff State. I'm confident I will get accepted, and then I will start looking for jobs and apartments. I'm excited for the prosect of that kind of change, and I honeslty don't feel like I'm running away, but more in a direction to better myself and my situation. I hope that after a few years in Buffalo, I will be ready to make an even bigger change and move to Boston or NYC. It's difficult to want so many things and not be able to support myself financially enough to acheive them.
So I have to stick it out at my job for another seven or eight months. This seems like it's forever, and believe me, it probably is. I don't know if I can afford to move unless I get another second job to help save some money. I'm going to have to start seriously looking for other jobs. I feel too old to have a second job, but I know with the economy the way it is, most people have two and three jobs. Do you ever feel like this life isn't real? That you could move somewhere that you weren't reminded of the financial concerns of the country, or the state of war that we are in? That there is a private island somewhere that people go to, that doesn't have the confines of a government. So much of the time I feel like the thoughts I have, don't have a place in the world I live in. Sometimes I think it's possible that maybe another country would better suit my personality.
I'm going to hold out over the next few months, hating my job, and hopefully finding another one part time, that I might actually like? And then I will move and start this ball rolling...(God I don't want to go to work in 2 hours)
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