How to Be Alone

This blog is the first I'll write in my quest to become comfortable in being alone with myself. I put so much emphasis on avoiding my alone time. I hide in the company of others, and most of the time it's spent with people I really don't feel I make a connection with. I have guilt when I'm alone, blaming myself for the lack of phone calls or people's interest.

I'd like to begin with the understanding that if I never change a single thing about myself or my life, that I am complete and enough this way. I really, desperately want to believe that. I want to know that I deserve happiness in my life. That just the fact that I made it to this place is enough.

I feel like I'm utterly terrified of being alone with myself. I mean really alone. No internet, no TV, no distractions of my cell phone. To just sit and give myself something that I really want. To take moments for myself. To believe that I deserve to enjoy my life. I keep on punishing myself, every day, for the past, for today, for tomorrow. This endless cycle of failure and relentless rejection is exhausting. Just thinking about this give me extreme anxiety, that I will never find a way out of this mess. Out of this house of cards I've built over top of me.

I would love to come to terms with the fact that I will never be model worthy. I have been fat, and my body is that of a fat girl. I have stretch marks. Deep, thick lines that cut into my skin and are a testimant to where I've been and what I've been through. I have hundreds of self induced scars. My legs are covered in spider veins. I have acne. My hair gets gray. My hair grows in places it shouldn't. I bit my nails and I crack my knuckles. My boobs have since fallen from their once perky place. But this is the body I have, and if I lose weight...all of these things will never be better than they are today.

Here is the point to all of this. I would like to learn to love myself enough to be alone with myself. To understand that being alone does not have to be lonely and that there is freedom in my choice to discover myself. This is going to be hard. I will have to push myself out of my negative mindset every day. But if I don't do this, if I don't find my way out of the darkness, what else is there really?

I am currently reading, "Women, Food and God" and I will reread as many times as it takes. I will also continue to watch the short "How to Be Alone" and continue to push myself through the suggestions of alone activities. I have also began watching daily blogs from "ProjectLifeSize" on Youtube. Those ladies are incredible motivation and examples of strength and honest courage. This process will take me the rest of my life. But my hope is that it will give me my life back.