Last night I went to dinner with three ladies. It was interesting because the four of us are all very different and in different places in our lives, and yet the entire dinner conversation focused around our failed romantic relationships.
Three of the four of us are dating one specific person, but casually, and not feeling fufilled emotionally. The other girl, who was someone I had just met that night, just got out of an 8 year relationship about a month ago, where she was engaged for 3 of those years. She told us that she has only heard negative things from her friends and is absolutely terrified of putting herself out there again. I tried to calm her fears, but I think I failed :/
While we were eating dinner, I got a text from the guy that I've been sorta seeing for the past three months. I decided to go over to his house and it was both a sad and necessary experience. It's very strange because we find each other attractive and we have a great sexual/physical chemistry, but emotionally...I feel nothing. Most of the time, I don't even enjoy spending time with him, because I'm so frustrated with the fact that we can't make something between us work. He expressed the same feelings for me. Saying that there were so many things about me that he loved, but about the same number of things that he didn't. He told me he's never felt attraction to someone like he has for me, and that it's so strong he is afraid of it.
He has been saying this in one form or another for almost the entire time we've been seeing each other. Initially, I felt rejected and wanted to be whatever it was that he wanted, because this is what I've done in the past. In the last month or so, I really took a look at my feelings for him, and realized, that there honestly were any. He's a nice guy, very attractive, intelligent, has a stable job, but those things aren't what makes you fall in love with someone. He has almost none of the qualities I look for. He even told me that I never talk about my interests with him or share who I am. I realized that this was extremely odd because with everyone else in my life I'm an open book.
We were laying in his bed, and initially we went in the physical direction, but I quickly stopped things, explaining to him that while sex with him is amazing, it also leaves me feeling sad. Everytime we have had sex, I realize about 2/3 of the way through it, that I don't care about him, and that he doesn't care about me, and this leaves me feeling empty and angry with myself. I told him that I wasn't willing to feel that way again. He agreed that he has a similar reaction to being with me.
It was a very strange ending to the night, him saying he didn't want to lay in bed anymore and me saying that's what I wanted. It was kinda like both of us telling the other, This is who I am, and realizing that those two people are in two very different places. He offered to walk me downstairs, and I told him he didn't have to like every other time, only this time, for the first time, he actually didn't walk me downstairs.
I will probably never see Andrew again.
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